Wheelchairs, Guns, and Ticker Tape

hello

2009-12-21T13:01:00.001-06:00

Okay

2009-09-21T09:35:00.001-05:00

Blogspot and I have been going through a rough patch for a while if you didn't already know. Finally, a few days ago we decided to break it off. I know you are thinking, "but what about the kids?" but I ask you not to worry. I have an excellent lawyer and blogspot really doesn't have a case- she has been pretty abusive and I have indisputable evidence.

Also: I moved my blog to tumblr.
Taught to Speak

The Importance of Being Realistic, Real

2009-08-18T11:01:00.002-05:00

The new Weezer song is called "(If you are Wondering if I want you to) I Want You to" from an album that apparently be called Raditiude.

I fully accept that a lot of people will hate on this new song/its title/ the album title but I will refrain. Here's why: in my mind it is very difficult for Weezer to do anything wrong. Or, more specifically, it will take a great deal of wrong for me to start disliking Weezer. (Make Believe brought me close to it). I think of them like family, even if they get drunk and crash my car, I will eventually forgive them and keep loving them. I found many things to love in the Red Album, and I am sure I will be able to find something to love in the new album. Also, the new song really isn't that bad when you get over the fact that it doesn't sound like Pinkerton.

On the other hand, the new Converge album, Axe to Fall, is sure to be criticially beloved. So far the only real bone I have to pick with the record is that they don't seem to be breaking any new aesthetic ground. I mean, the album art looks like it could have been taken from the inside of Jane Doe. But, you know, whatever. Because, seriously, "Dark Horse" slays and I am sure the rest of the album will not disappoint.

When Ya Pay Attention

2009-08-13T11:29:00.003-05:00

I only today realized that four of my favorite bands of this year are all on the same label. What's more, all releases on aforementioned label are but $10 plus shipping. You just can't beat that.

WILLOWTIP MAN!

Why don't I pay attention? One day I will learn.

The four I mentioned are:
Magrudergrind
Defeatist
Gorod
Prostitute Disfigurement (to be fair I haven't heard their newest but I loved Decendants of Depravity so I am sure their new album is nothing if not wonderful).

I bet there are a bajillion other great bands on this label that I don't know about yet because I DON'T PAY ATTENTION!

Nadja, Amesouers, Alcest, make note

2009-08-13T09:08:00.004-05:00

I've got to give Jesu some major props for not calling themselves black metal and running with it. We all know that this new trend of indie kids calling the shoegaze they make black metal is just another way for them to get indie cred, so I am glad that Broadrick dispensed with that nonsense. (I mean, dude was in Godflesh, I don't know that he really needs a whole lot more cred).
In addition to that, I am glad to see that the new album is going to be released on Caldo Verde with Mark Kozelek where it belongs. For real, this new song just sounds like Red House Painters with a more metal guitar tone.
Don't get me wrong, I really like it, it just isn't black metal.

Correction: Nadja do not call themselves black metal after all. Instead, they prefer "metalgaze." Really?

The Day Has Arrived

2009-07-28T22:32:00.002-05:00

Or rather, the day will arrive in a bit over two months.

All Over But the Frontin'

2009-07-23T15:13:00.002-05:00

Six steps to achieving musical zen, i.e. how to quit your frontin'.
1. Buy this album
2. Listen
3. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
4. Realize that not all good music requires mustaches, irony, and loopy electronic nonsense.
5. Realize that this record is intensely good.
6. Quit your frontin'

NEW 3 INCHES OF BLOOD!!!

2009-07-10T15:01:00.000-05:00

September 8th. Mark your calendars.

You can hear a new song ("Call of the Hammer") on their Myspace.

When You Pay Attention

2009-07-09T14:57:00.002-05:00

So it's a good feeling to buy a record, decide that you like it, and then come to realize that it was made by people that are from your town. In order to achieve this feeling one must experience all of these things in precisely this order.
This happened to me with this guy.

One of my favorite records of the year, easy.

.. Emerging from the cave bearing only bad news, only to quickly return to hibernation

2009-07-07T16:11:00.005-05:00

Sadly, Robert Mcnamara (former US Defense Secretary) has died. I always liked him. To be fair I was not alive during the Vietnam war so my initial impression of him was formed from the movie "The Fog of War" (a film I plan to re-watch tonight)- a movie that paints him in a vastly different manner than the way he is usually understood. Still it seems to me that he was a man of two undeniable strengths: he seemed to have the best interest of the nation at heart (he left the presidency of the Ford motor company to work for the government) and he was willing to try to learn from his mistakes.

Also, everyone should see The Fog of War.

A Running List...

2009-06-09T13:38:00.000-05:00

I have recently decided that Brazilian music is the best music in all of the world. In this post I will keep a running list of all of the artists that I believe support this claim:

Lo Borges
Joao Gilberto
Sarcofago
Milton Nascimento

Wherein You Will Find A Thing That May or May Not Be a "Song"

2009-06-04T20:34:00.001-05:00

Furniture Huschle may well be my favorite band that isn't really a "band" and that don't really make "music." I mean, they definitely make music but it is in such a different realm from most other "bands" "music." What's really impressive to me about these "songs" is the fact that somehow they manage to still be catchy. I have been singing to myself "...he's making awful plans you'll get cancer in your hands" for days, almost weeks (this is a line from perhaps my favorite Furniture Huschle song- "Terror Song").

The solitary member of this "band" is Joel Huschle who is also in the great band Wckr Spgt (no I don't know how to pronounce it, however I have been saying "Wicker Spigot" in my head). You can learn more about the both of these bands at this here website.

Perhaps the most accurate assessment of their sound I have heard comes from my roommate who exclaimed upon hearing them for the first time "this sounds like the Mountain Goats mixed with Xiu Xiu- you are an ass you only listen to two types of music." While I take issue with the second half of that statment, I can fully get behind the first half.

Have a marvelous day.

A Discovery

2009-06-01T11:15:00.001-05:00

I just found out that you can embed albums from Lala on a blog. Now that I have discovered it I think I will use it with reckless abandon and periodically put different albums over the right.
If you haven't checked out Lala yet you really should, it lets you listen to almost anything ever released for free once. You can also buy the online version of most songs for about 10 cents and the actual mp3 for cheaper than on the Itunes store.

A quick intro to the album I have over there right now. It is by Brazilian artist Lo Borges, it was released in 1972 and it was his first solo album. He is probably most popular for his work with Milton Nascimiento on the album "Club de Esquina" but to be straight up, I like this album better. It is a very short album consisting of fifteen individually awesome pop/acoustic/folky songs that don't particularly sound like anything I have heard before. There are certainly elements of stuff I have heard before, but Borges is one of those artists who is nearly perfect at bringing tons of disparate elements together and fusing them in a very interesting way. I have chosen this album as the inaugural sidebar album because it was the first thing I listened to on Lala. I had read about the album and was really itching to hear it, but I was unable to find it anywhere (I looked both in legal and illegal places). Finally I thought I would check Lala on the off chance that it would be there and lo and behold, it was.

Incidentally if you like this it might also be worth your time to check out Yonlu who is also from Brazil. While he is less generally fantastic one of his songs "Humiliation" is quite possibly one of my favorite songs ever.

A Tiny Light on the Horizon

2009-05-25T21:59:00.002-05:00

Look here.
Seriously do it.

Not only is there a free demo of a song called "Bride" that apparently will never be actually released, but it contains these important words:
"Next album is nearly done but I wrote ["Bride"] today that won't really fit on it - why that's so will be clear when the next album comes out. (Sometime in the fall, we think.)"

SOMETIME IN THE FALL!!!!!

Seriously, everyday I am filled with even more joy over the fact that I am a fan of the Mountain Goats- I couldn't be more glad that I didn't decide to love a band like My Bloody Valentine or something because if that were the case I of course wouldn't have a constant flow of new material to look forward to.

Horray!

In Which Two Worlds Collide

2009-05-24T17:46:00.005-05:00

With a relative degree of safety I think I can say that my two favorite artists that are still formally together are the Mountain Goats and The Hold Steady. Other bands or singers may float in and out of my life like so many one night stands, but I am in a committed relationship with these two bands.

I suppose it is not entirely surprising that I like both of these bands- when you think about it they aren't really all that different from one another. If we were to imagine a Venn diagram, a large portion of the two separate circles would overlap.

Therefore, no great stretch of imagination is required to conceive that I might find a combination of these two artists "thoroughly awesome," right?

Because of this I am somewhat perturbed by the fact that the closest things to these two artists working together have been nothing if not disappointing. I am referring first to the now historic cover by The Hold Steady of "Dance Music" which you can listen to here. A more recent addition to this milieu is another Hold Steady cover of a Mountain Goats song- this time its "Southwood Plantation Road" from Tallahassee. (Still worth hearing though... it is The Hold Steady after all).

I think the obvious reason as to why I am not particularly crazy about these covers comes out of those aspects of each artists style that are present only in the peripheral sides of the Venn diagram I mentioned earlier. The most important difference is the style of each singer's delivery. Darnielle employs a very regular if often oddly structured, phrasing style in most of his songs- it would be difficult to accuse him of "speaking" his songs. On the other hand Craig Finn is almost diametrically opposite because in all likelihood you could remove a large portion of his musical accompaniment it would just sound like he was talking to his friends at a party (let me make it clear that I am not hating on either Darnielle or Finn's delivery here, I love them both equally). Furthermore, Darnielle's lyrics are very much entrenched in his unique vocal style, as are Finn's, making it virtually impossible so it seems for them to reconcile the two.

I don't want to imply though that I think these sorts of things should stop happening, quite the contrary in fact. My complaints aren't really complaints you know; they basically amount to worthless fanboy nitpicking. I guess that statement undercuts the purpose of most of this post. Whatever.

What Goes around Comes Around or, How Karma Hates on Black Metal

2009-05-21T15:12:00.006-05:00

I guess in this case if you burn down churches and kill your former friend, you get portrayed by a boy that is prettier than most girls in a film adaptation of your life. Karma, you are a fickle beast.
Yes, that is right ladies and gentleman, a movie of Varg Vikernes' life is in the works. Or rather, more specifically, a film adaptation of Michael Moynihan and Didrik Soderland's excellent book "Lords of Chaos" is in the works.
And yes, Jackson Rathbone (don't worry I didn't know who he was either before this little tidbit) will be playing Varg Vikernes.
If Euronymous were still alive he would probably be rolling on the floor giggling at this. Then again, if Euronymous were alive, this wouldn't be quite so hilarious.

You can read the whole shebang here.

And Now For Something Completely Different

2009-05-20T20:17:00.008-05:00

For those of you who have been of the opinion that this blog has consisted entirely too much of "silly" and not enough of "serious," this post is for you. I have substituted what I hope to be something that is relatively intelligent and cohesive for my typical milieu of absurdity.
It's still about black metal though. That isn't going anywhere.

Satanism and Heathenism in Norwegian Black Metal: The Authenticity Fallacy in Revivals
Heavy metal is a genre of music dating back as far as artists like Led Zeppelin and Blue Cheer characterized by loud guitars and dark undertones. Over the years metal has spawned a multitude of subgenres as varied as pop metal artists like Guns N’ Roses to death metal bands like Cannibal Corpse. One such genre that is particularly interesting is that of Norwegian Black Metal. Forged out of an amalgamation of earlier black metal bands like Venom and Bathory and the intensity of hardcore punk rock bands like Minor Threat, it has been described as sounding like “Wagner mixed with punk rock, dressed up as Alice Cooper” (Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey).

Norwegian black metal is a unique subset of heavy metal because it is among the only types to be directly related with both with a distinct musical style and a religious ideology. Musically, black metal typically consists of longer songs that are often as epic and beautiful as they are dark and heavy; a characteristic that contrasts with the almost monomaniacal brutality of death metal. Keyboards are quite frequently present and can play highly melodic parts. However the standard metal instrumentation of guitar, drums, and bass is usually maintained. The vocals are typically rather buried in the mix, and usually consist of higher pitched shrieks. This contrasts with the lower pitched “cookie monster” vocals prevalent in most other types of extreme metal...

To read the rest, you can download a PDF here. (It's longer than typical "blog format" if there is such a thing and I figured the reading experience might be made more pleasant if it were to be in a different venue).

Also, if you are curious you can download the list of the works I consulted here.

Oh The Places I've Been!!!

2009-05-19T17:22:00.009-05:00

In truth, the title of this post is a thin attempt at rationalizing the fact that I have not posted in quite some time. I know that I my failure to post has been a cause of great concern to my myriad readers (chuckles quietly), but worry no more, I have valiantly returned to break the silence.

This post will be a summary of everything I would have posted about had I not been lazing about for the past few weeks.

Bill Callahan- "Sometimes I Wish I Were an Eagle"
Bill Callahan is apparently a man in possession of a bottomless well of inspiration and creativity. In my ongoing quest to own everything he has every committed to a physical medium I have yet to find anything of his that I do not love. What's more, his most recent release may well rank among my favorite things he has ever released. Mr. Callahan sir, please stop being so awesome, you are making the rest of us look bad.
Absu- s/t
Black metal with more than a hint of thrash? [Gobbles it up greedily and not-so-politely requests more]
Orphans and Vandals- "I Am Alive and You Are Dead"
This band wins the prize for the band that sounds most like The Velvet Underground since The Velvet Underground. If you are wondering, that is a compliment of the highest order. Seriously, this is undoubtedly one of the best albums that will come out this year. I am hedging no bets, I know its not even June yet. I stand by my contention- this is going to be in the top three best albums released all year. No. This is the best albums that will be released this year.

There were a few more things but they could not hold a candle to the awesomeness inherent in these three albums.

I promise I will eventually start writing about things other than records that I like, it is just all I have been thinking about lately.

Leonard Cohen is a Genius

2009-04-30T11:26:00.001-05:00

That is all.

Kill For Metal

2009-04-28T09:54:00.002-05:00

I have often been engaged in the discussion as to what music would best serve as a soundtrack to my life. Inevitably when I think about it for awhile, and am entirely honest with myself, I come to the conclusion that it would have to be something low key and comparatively boring like Tracy Chapman (no disrespect to her, just sayin', she probably isn't going to be storming any castles any time soon). All in all my life is pretty standard, not much happens and I have come to terms with that.

That being said, I am infinitely jealous of the person whose life would be perfectly accompanied by Iron Fire, particularly the music on their new album To the Grave (and I have to believe that such a person exists or else my faith in the potential for awesome in mankind will be altogether shattered). That person's life must consist entirely of driving an exceedingly fast and cool convertible with a beautiful woman and slaying dragons.

You see, Iron Fire play power metal of the purest sort, in the way of 3 Inches of Blood and Manowar. However, were I to compare the relative power inherent in a typical power metal band to that of the power contained in Iron Fire I would employ a ridiculous analogy such as the following:
A standard power metal band receives their power from the electrical grid of a small town.
Iron Fire on the other and gleans their power from the collective electrical power of the entire United States. In fact while I would describe a band like Manowar as power metal (again no disrespect, this is just for the sake of comparison and to support my claim as to how awesome they are) I would call Iron Fire POWER METAL!!!!!!!!!

Perhaps Iron Fire's greatest strength are their ability to cleanly include aspects of death metal into what might otherwise have been a relatively weak sounding album. Fear not, Iron Fire still consists of the shouted group choruses, the soaring vocals, and the searing guitar solos we all love- the simply reference death metal at opportune times in order to give the music a little extra shot of adrenaline.

Seriously, there is not a single dud on this album- they all have me revving my engine and clanging my sword in its sheath. God forbid the day I actually listen to this while driving- I might just end up looking for something to ramp off of.

i am a poet

2009-04-26T22:38:00.000-05:00

All you need is

love

joy

love

julia

love

rocky raccoon

love

yesterday

love

sgt. pepper

love is all you need
when your soul is feeling
like a rubber ball

are you looking through
the looking glass
mr. mustard?

are you?

all you need is love

Paul Baribeau

2009-04-24T06:00:00.000-05:00

Paul Baribeau - Chelsea Hotel No. 2 from If You Make It on Vimeo.

I'm not sure it is possible for me to overstate how much I love Paul Baribeau. Listen to his music this instant if you have not heard it yet.
His self titled album, according to the liner notes, is a compilation of demos that he recorded over a very short period of time. The album "Grand Ledge" is a bit more... focused at only 9 songs in length and it sounds like he spent more time on it. Both albums have their individual strengths and it is truly a difficult proposition for me to try to pick my favorite between the two.
You can buy both of them on the cheap here.
Also look at him on Myspace if you want to hear some recordings of him doing his own songs (although for some reason that Leonard Cohen cover tears me up).

The Voices Ride Again

2009-04-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

Lost. You let me down last night. No new footage. No new information. An hour long recap episode? In the immortal words of Tom Petty, "Don't do me like that."

In other news, Hellboy is unequivocally the best comic book movie ever made. It is positively unoutdoable.
I now offer unto thee a youtube video of scenes from Hellboy set to a Slayer song.

Goregrinding Rollercoaster Ride

2009-04-22T09:32:00.000-05:00

Oh. My. Decapitated. Head.
I just got the new Cattle Decapitation record and I am positively speechless. Is it in the running for my favorite album of the year so far you ask? Unarguably yes.

This album will probably be derided in a lot of circles for precisely the reasons that I love it. Cattle Decapitation used to be more grind than death, an equation that seems to have been resoundingly flipped with this album. The songs are longer ("The Gardener's of Eden" tops five minutes) and they've injected a little bit of (shock! horror!) melody into these songs. Some might call this selling out, I call it developing. "The Gardener's of Eden" is perhaps the best example of this development. This song is still pretty brutal, but at the same time it is a dynamic ride of a song. The best analogy I can think of for this is a rollercoaster. Most of the time you are being whipped around and flipped upside down, but every once in awhile you get a bit of a breather while you're being pulled uphill. A breather which we all know ultimately makes the coming onslaught even more intense.

There is not a single bad song on this album (except for maybe "The Harvest Floor" which is less a bad song and more a breather that lasts too long) and there are some really truly great songs. Like I mentioned before "The Gardener's of Eden" is like a precis of the entire record, it really does a great job of distilling everything that makes this album great in one song. Then, there is of course "Regret and the Grave" the epic and headcrushing closer.

What's more, all of this awesomeness is crammed into an easy to take package. Clocking in at under 40 minutes, the album doesn't stick around long enough to get stale or entirely wear out the listener, but it's long enough to satisfy every gorey and grindy desire you might have.

The only complaint I do have is a minimal one. It seems like in moving from their grindcore roots CD might be heading in the direction of virtuosic noodling for virtuosic noodling's sake. While this isn't a major turn off in the context of this particular record because it doesn't really overtake any of the songs, it's more of a shadow of things that may be to come. What's more, this virtuosic noodling isn't even a necessarily a bad thing, it just isn't my cup of tea.

A final note, I included the album art for this record in the post because I think it is entirely awesome in it's ability to completely encapsulate the band's central message. (It of course gets nowhere near topping the artwork for "Humanure" which was a revelation in it's glorious disgustingness, incidentally, that link is not for the faint of heart).

"Ya Got a Sunburn Under Your Eyes"

2009-04-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

Hindsight is 20/20 they say. Whoever they are, they seem to have a pretty good grip on reality. This last Saturday in Dunn Meadow at Indiana University an event to remember went down called Culture Shock. Basically it was a free music festival with all sorts of bands and all sorts of people and all sorts of dogs put on by IU's student radio station, WIUX. It was a good day to say the least. Now, if I were anything approaching a decently respectable blogger I would have posted about this event awhile ago, but of course I didn't. So, hindsight being what it is I would like to give you all something of a "greatest hits" of the day.

Found Objects:
Self described "Experimental/Pop/Shoegaze from right here in Bloomington could more accurately describe themselves as "noisy bangy melodic nonsense with laptops" but probably haven't yet because that simply doesn't look as good on paper. Also to be fair that could just as likely be a description of Apple Computers' headquarters as a two man band (give or take the word "melodic" depending upon your opinion of Steve Jobs and his posse).

All discussions of their relative genre aside, these guys were great. It's always impressive to see a band who doesn't fall into what I will describe as the "blog haus sinkhole" in which a band's smugness and relative level of boredom inducement is directly correllative to the number of laptops they use. Found Objects does a great job implementing all sorts of sounds with a mixture of loops, live instrumentation, and feedback, all while maintaining a respectable level of melodicism. All of this while putting on a thoroughly arresting show- I am a big fan of watching bands that you can really see how much they are totally psyched to be there and Found Objects are definitely one of those bands.

Originally I was going to include a metaphor about the band's sound here but have since thought better of it. Trusting me, you aren't missing anything, it was probably inane and barely related to the subject at hand.

Tremendous Fucking (aka TremFu):
This band, also from Bloomington, strikes me as one best served by brevity of description and an attempt to compel the reader to see them live if at all possible. Thus:

A little bit of Les Savy Fav. A little bit of Jesus Lizard. A whole lot of fun. Go see them live if at all possible.

CYNE:
Possibly the best rapper I had never heard of before this festival. I initially heard him from a distance and assumed that it was a recording- it sounded that good. Without going to deeply into a technical discussion of his style and ability and making myself sound like a fool, the lead rapper in this group was absolutely fantastic. In terms of sheer technical impressiveness he rivaled Lupe Fiasco. This is truly a group that I was glad I got to see and fully intend to check out some more.

Extra Golden:
Afropop? Yes! Are they awesome? YESSSSSSS!!! Did I dance throughout the entire course of their set? I must admit I did.

Destroyer:
Dan Bejar is a great songwriter, that fact is well established. He commands respect like no other with his tremendous output in the various entities known as Swan Lake, The New Pornographers, and of course his solo endeavors, Destroyer. Despite the tendency for his records to be filled to the top with all sorts of musical layers, he played a relatively low-key solo acoustic set. This is not to say however, that the songs did not translate well. Quite the contrary in fact. Until this performance I was never truly struck how much he sounds like Bob Dylan, but he doesn't do Bob Dylan in the Way Tallest Man on Earth does him. If Tallest Man on Earth has internalized the Bob Dylan from "Freewheelin'" era, Dan Bejar has similarly internalized the "Highway 61" era.

All in all, it was good day. I did get a sunburn under my eyes which was a little bit less than pleasant, but I got over it. I also had the chance to play with an inordinate amount of dogs which threatened to pull me away from the festival altogether.

In Which I Do Something Only Slightly Self Aggrandizing

2009-04-15T10:00:00.000-05:00

If pressed I think I would have to say that my favorite thing to do is record music. Basically, whenever I've got a bit of free time I will invariably try to record something. This creates a pretty constant stream of musical creations, some of them good, some of them bad. Sometimes I make things that I don't particularly feel would fit into the context of my band The Elegant Bachelors. For a long while I wasn't quite sure what to do with those. Over spring break, I experienced a particular glut of free time and recorded an entire album. Because of this I decided I needed to do something with all of this nonsense that I was recording.

Thus The Margins were born.

I am not going to front, The Margins are sort of bizarre and often sound more than a little like Jandek, largely because that is mostly what I have been listening to lately and I wanted to see if I could do that. I suppose if I were to start listening to a lot more Ted Nugent these songs would start moving in that direction. In spite of this I am rather proud of the album that I made called "El Que Nace No Se Logra" and I figured posting it to my blog was less of a high risk endeavor than trying to sell it for real money.

This album is a concept record of sorts with nine songs titled as follows:
1. Hands to Touch
2. Lungs to Breathe
3. Legs to Walk
4. Mouth to Speak
5. Eyes to See
6. Heart to Beat
7. Ears to Hear
8. Arms to Hold
9. God to Thank

However, the download for this album consists of only two tracks. You see, I recorded the album to cassette and thought it would be nice to maintain the cassette/LP feel of the album.

So, if I haven't lost you by now with the comparisons to Jandek and the inevitable low quality because of the medium onto which it was recorded you can find a download for it here.

If you like it let me know. If you don't, hold your peace, I have a very fragile psyche.

Bad Poetry For Good Bands

2009-04-14T10:39:00.000-05:00

Blink

all the angst and all...
the joy of youth in packages fair and sweet
what IS my age?
who IS the girl at the rock show?
and if i take my toaster in the bath, will you be my new girlfriend?

though profane
on surface light appears
profound arrives on closer looks
closer looks
closer looks

why wouldn't you pun
enemy
enema
we all wish we had thought of it, we all can wish but never live

take
off
your pants and
jacket

never looked so close at break of day
never came so close to perfect revelry
never died in minds of middle school

one hundred
eighty
two

Slayer of Goats

2009-04-13T17:13:00.000-05:00

Right here right now I have decided that I will be starting a metal band in the very near future. I have not entirely decided on a number of important criterion for this band (the name, the instrumentation, the songs, etc.) but I feel that these things will fall into place when the time is right.

While I can't be certain, again I intend to allow things to simply fall into place, I feel particularly attracted to the genre of black metal and not only because I don't think I am good enough at guitar to handle the solos and such that are symptomatic of other genres. My band will be brutal, evil, and it will invariably involve corpse paint of some sort.

The first purpose of this post is that of a call out of sorts. Are you interested in playing guitar or drums or singing in a black metal band? Seriously email me.

This decision has grown out of my recent realization that black metal as a genre is vastly superior to all others, not only all other genres of metal but to all genres of music in general. I realize this is a grossly reductive statement, and one that will prove difficult to defend but I don't really care. Black metal is all that I want to hear.

I lieu of an explicitly cogent defense of my genre of choice, I will present a number of metaphors that I hope will clearly explicate my effusive love:

Black metal is the wood chipper through which all other forms of music must go.

Black metal is like a giant meat tenderizer that crushes anyone who tries to confront it and turns them into a pulpy mess of ineffectuality.

Black metal is a massive sword with poison on every edge.

Black metal is a flame thrower so big that it could consume your house in a single shot.

Black metal is the calm moment in the early afternoon when you see a mushroom cloud in the distance before you feel the shockwave.

Black metal is the dude that broke into the Huxtable's house in the Cosby show and screamed all of the evils of the world at them for 3 days straight.

Black metal is a black eagle that has the ability to shoot heat seeking missiles.

Black metal is a stealth bomber covered in corpse paint.

Black metal is your mother, if she were dead and still trying to ground you.

Black metal is your father, if he were on fire.

Black metal is your dog, assuming of course that your dog is giant, has three heads, and guards the entry way to hell.

Now We Can See

2009-04-12T17:45:00.000-05:00

The new Thermals record is killer. Killer. This album is the sound of a band that knows what they are about, and have known what they are about for awhile. If there were a competition for most consistently awesome band in the world The Thermals would definitely be in the running. Out of their four albums there is not a single bad one, weaker ones sure but it would probably cause a tear in the space time continuum if a band were to constantly make unbelievably good albums one after the other. I mean, the tide has to go out sometimes.

What's more, if you get the chance to hear the B-Side to the "Now We Can See" Single, "My World," do it. This album is such a zinger that even the B-Sides slay me.

Eeeeek!

2009-04-08T10:46:00.000-05:00

Last night was the night. The Mountain Goats, John Vanderslice, and the Tallest Man on Earth came to town and said their piece. It was a great time.

The Tallest Man on Earth opened and I was immediately struck by the irrelevant fact of his relative shortness. False advertising? I think so.

Nevertheless, he put on a great show reaffirming my love for "Shallow Grave" rather handily. Perhaps the best word to describe the way he performed was charming. The way he played, it seemed that he was a guy that was used to playing in his bedroom that had accidentally wandered on to a stage, found an audience, and decided to keep on playing. When he wasn't singing, he was constantly nonchalantly walking around the stage- a practice that was nothing if not endearing. Even though he didn't really speak beyond saying "thank you" at the end of a few songs, he was completely involved with the audience. I like that. I would imagine that most guys who accidentally wander onto a stage and start performing would tend to ignore the audience and look at the floor. A top notch performance from a seemingly top notch dude with some top notch songs. Top notch. Ton potch. Top notch.

As a side note my friends and I noted among other things that he had a great mustache and that he looked like a mix between James Franco and John Mayer. What this means is anybody's guess.

Next came John Vanderslice. While I have enjoyed his music in the past I have never been particularly grabbed by him, so to speak. I can safely say however that his performance won me over once and for all. The first sign that this was going to be the case was when he invited the audience that was previously seated to join him on the stage. He did not ask them to come towards the stage, but to get on the stage with him and sit in a circle around him campfire style. A request that the audience of course obliged with a great deal of tenacity. Endearing? Yes. (If you have been paying attention you may have noticed that I have already used that word to describe the performance of The Tallest Man on Earth, my money is on my using it to describe the Mountain Goats as well).

Immediately during the beginning of his first song I remembered how much I like his voice. There is something about it that simply appeals to me (do I find it endearing? I suppose I do) and it reminds me of something I can't quite put my finger on. The songs he played from his new album "Romainian Names" were very good shifting me from comfortable ambivalence about that album to "very excited."

Also, If The Tallest Man on Earth was engaged with the audience, Vanderslice was superangaged (another word of my own invention). At various times he gave out water bottles to audience members as he had too many, chastised himself to for not having better gifts to give to the audience, and offered to divvy up the extra food in the tour van amongst any audience members willing to meet him in the parking lot after the show to make up for the lacking nature of his water bottle gifts.

The final performer of the evening was of course the Mountain Goats. While I thoroughly enjoyed the first two artists, I will admit that I was primarily there for tMG. I think that is fair since as I have mentioned, the music of this band is the primary focus of my obsessive nature. When John Darnielle walked on to the stage I was reminded how simultaneously cool and goofy he is, and when he started playing I was reminded (as if I needed anything of the sort) how much I love his songs.

As an added bonus he played one song that he had never played live before ("Treetop Song") and another rarity ("Cutter" a special dedication to Bloomington I suppose) and was generally very entertaining. In fact, probably the highest non-musical point of the set was his extensive explanation of the story behind the newest release and how people who harvest organs on the moon are not allowed to have close relationships with other people (as they might divulge secrets) and are rather made to live alone in Colorado in very lush, if solitary, accommodations.

Also, exciting news, Darnielle made mention of the fact that he would be going back into the studio soon to record a new album. Of course when I hear more I will immediately write about it.

Almost last, but certainly not least, upon my perusal of the Mountain Goats forums I found someone who had recorded both of the John's sets and posted them to archive.org and I feel that I would be quite remiss if I did not post them here.
John Vanderslice
the Mountain Goats
Thanks to Craig on the forums for these great recordings.

Sadly I did not get any good pictures as my camera is MIA and my friend's camera does not react well to being politely asked not to flash. It is sort of testy that way. Hopefully the audio can help to create a bit of a story for you. If it helps, just imagine three men of varying heights wandering around a rather large stage in a rather large theater singing songs about the many degrees of love and hate. I think that about sums it up.

Pure Unadulterated Nonsense

2009-04-07T17:55:00.000-05:00

The Days Are Green and filled With Green

2009-04-04T13:50:00.000-05:00

international
superhits, an entry point
to infinite joy

as a sixth grader
nothing seems quite so awesome
as longview played loud

the poetry of
welcome to paradise and
she- beyond compare

bass riffs abounded
so thundering and perfect
from nimble fingers

power chords were used
better than ever before
to pummel the ears

and drumming power
without worthy opponents
fills the air with sound

also i have heard
that a musical will come
soon, how cool is that?

News From the Front

2009-04-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

I have often been described as having a short term obsessive personality (a term, if you must know, of my own invention). I tend to flit around from obsession to obsession in relatively short phases. The flavor of March was Xiu Xiu, who knows what will be next. For about two months last year I was threatened within an inch of my life to drop the High Places nonsense or else by a few of my very dearest friends. Throughout the entire month of June in 2008 I categorically refused to watch any movie not called "Wonderboys."

That being said, there has been one obsession that has remained quite constant. That is my obsession with a certain band called the Mountain Goats. For those of you unfamiliar with the Mountain Goats I will refrain from explaining them too thoroughly as I would sincerely like to avoid pathetic fanboy drivel. Suffice it to say, the Mountain Goats play relatively simple folk pop music with a tremendous focus on the lyrical content. To say that I love them would be a gross understatement.

I simply present this information as something of an apology for the behavior I will exhibit from time to time on this blog. While my goal is to write about the broadest number of topics possible, the Mountain Goats will likely be a frequently recurring topic. In fact, I must say that I am surprised with and proud of myself for refraining from writing about them up until this point.

Now however, is a time to break the silence.

You see, within a month or so (this is likely however not for sure as there has been no specific date set as of yet) John Darnielle (the primary songwriter for the Mountain Goats) will be releasing an album with John Vanderslice. This album will invariably be awesome. How do I know this you ask? I have three reasons:

1. Look at the album art here. When you see it you will certainly agree that any music contained therein must without a doubt be awesome.

2. It will be called "Moon Colony Bloodbath" and it is apparently a concept EP about people who live on the moon in some capacity (also, likely a great number of them die making the use of the word bloodbath in the title quite fitting). While I will readily admit that I do not know the details of this story and I could in fact be wrong, the pure fact that the album is called "Moon Colony Bloodbath" is, in my humble opinion, the definition of badass.

3. It involves the collaborative work of two of the greatest songwriters out there today, Johns Darnielle and Vanderslice.

So, you now see why wait with baited breath for the release of this album. As a side note, I am seeing both Darnielle and Vanderslice next Monday- expect pictures, commentary, and school girl-esque screams to follow.

And they asked him, "Why You Be Foolin'?"

2009-04-01T13:46:00.001-05:00

Trent Reznor has just given me one more reason to love him.

Happy April Fools day from Nine Inch Nails, me, and president Obama.

UPDATE: Oh my lord, I just found out that Bjork is touring with Led Zeppelin. That is another thing I did not know about them.

Skye= Cracked

2009-04-01T03:00:00.000-05:00

And there was great joy throughout the land.
I have finally come into possession of the long awaited new album by Mastodon. While it is quite clearly indicative of a somewhat new direction for our Atlantian boys, it rocks no less hard than previous releases. Well, to be fair it rocks a little less hard than previous releases but mostly because of the production (the low end in all of its previous mother punching glory is slightly less predominant) and the pure fact that it seems Mastodon is moving in a slightly more melodic direction.
Now, let me be the first (or rather probably the hundredth) to say that this is in no way a bad thing. In fact, it really serves the album well. One description I have always hated but yet seems fitting here is "mature." Now I don't mean mature like how Ben Folds got mature and stopped singing about how he wants his black t-shirt back and started singing about his kids. I mean mature in the sense that they simply seem more comfortable than ever doing what they do. But they aren't "getting comfortable" and slacking off, they are still quite great. Basically every avenue I go down to describe this record ends up sounding like a left handed sort of compliment. In order to head this potentially harmful path off I will close by saying this- if you already like Mastodon you will probably like this record. If you did not like Mastodon in the past because you wanted more melody you might like this record. If you like music that is loud you will probably like this record. If you are my roommate you will make fun of this album's artwork.

On an entirely unrelated note, I heard a bit of the new Yeah Yeah Yeah's record and I am disappointed. However, I must qualify my disappointment with the fact that I will almost invariably be disappointed with any Yeah Yeah Yeah's release that does not regain the awesomeness of "Man" from Fever to Tell. Updates will be forthcoming on whether this disappointment is fleeting or permanent.

Struck Gold!

2009-03-30T15:32:00.000-05:00

Luke Winslow-King at the Secret Garden, pt 1 from hoovesontheturf on Vimeo.

Originally this post was supposed to be about the artist above, Luke Winslow-King, but I got sidetracked by the sheer awesomeness of where that video came from. Basically, if you haven't given the website Vimeo a glance yet, do so immediately. It's a video hosting website similar to Youtube minus the unceasingly irrational comment sections and plus all sorts of other goodies. First off, Vimeo allows users to upload significantly higher quality videos so you don't have to deal with rampant pixelization and the obnoxious sounds of over digitally compressed audio. What's more, since you can have the ability to upload higher quality videos the website seems to have attracted a somewhat more discerning crop of contributors. There's a lot more of a focus on directors on this site. However, this is both a blessing and a curse as I sincerely doubt that I will be finding the next Dax Flame on Vimeo.

Maybe my favorite thing that I have found so far is the video channel of a music blogger (incidentally you can find her blog here) that calls herself "Hooves on the Turf." She has around 80 videos posted all of which are of really great quality. My particular favorite are her 18 different "Secret Garden" Performances. The performances basically consist of taking really great artists and having them perform outside of typical concert formats. For instance, the most recent one from Brooklyn band Callers took place in a bar before it opened one day.

To get back to my original purpose in this post I want to say a bit more about Luke Winslow-King. I will admit that before even hearing his music I expected to like it because of the instrumentation he uses, specifically the fact that in both of these videos the bass player role in the band is entirely substituted with a tuba. While that does present some interesting problems (in the second video he complains about how his valves are frozen) it is mostly just awesome. Also, I haven't been that excited to see a rubboard in quite a while.

Probably the most immediate comparison here is with Andrew Bird's Bowl of Fire stuff, particularly on the pre "The Swimming Hour" albums. The difference though is that where Bird went all out and included tons of other instrumentation and big arrangements, King keeps everything simple and benefits a great deal from it.

He has a new record coming out on April 1st that you can preorder at Foxonahill.com, and as always you can preview some of his music on his Myspace..

Serial Poetry

2009-03-29T00:15:00.000-05:00

Since I so enjoyed writing the poem for Five Iron Frenzy I have decided to make "Belated Odes to bands that Shaped My Middle School Experience" a regular feature here on Shoesareoptional. Well, it will be regular as long as I can think of things that rhyme (possibly indefinitely) and bands that I liked in middle school (there were so few).

Today, I would like to raise my internet based glass to MXPX in sonnet form.

Oh MXPX you certainly did rule,

"Life in General" filled me with pop-punk bliss,

"The Ever Passing Moment" was so cool,

And "Let it Happen" was something not to miss.

I thought you were the pinnacle of pop,

No other bands approached your mastery,

And nothing else could ever hope to top,

The joy that came to me from your Cds.

Once when I saw you live at a concert,

You shared the bill with boring other bands,

But you played so well I had to buy a shirt,

I lost the shirt but still count myself your fan.

Even though your recent output has been bad,

I will not soon forget what once we had.

Into the Great Unknown: Doing What the Voices Say

2009-03-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

So, according to the infinite repository of facts, the Internet, The Donkeys are possibly Geronimo Jackson of "Lost" fame. Or... Is Geronimo Jackson the Donkeys? Have The Donkeys (Geronimo Jackson?) discovered the secrets to time travel? Who knows? I certainly don't.
Furthermore, why is John Locke, a character named after a 17th century philosopher, swiftly being molded into a 1st century Messianic figure? Why can neither Juliet or Kate decide which primary male figure they love? Where is Claire? All of these questions are eating at my mind like greedy children at a McDonald's buffet. I used to think that the only reason that I continued watching "Lost" was because there were so many questions that I thought would be answered eventually if I watched just one more episode. That continued for five seasons. It's like "Lost" is a girlfriend that constantly insults me but that I keep coming back to because she promises that this time will be different.

While I have to admit, some of my questions have been answered (like who Geronimo Jackson really are) I still mostly have no idea what is going on. By now too, I have essentially lost all hope of having any of my big questions answered. For instance, I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I will never know exactly what the stupid smoke monster is.
This leads me to the ultimate question, why do I still watch Lost?
I think it's because I am a masochist. At some level, I like being insulted by my unkind metaphorical girlfriend.
That must be it.
Problem solved.

However, it is a little worrisome that a television show is contributing to my masochistic behavior. I used to think that I was in complete control of my self hatred, now a television show is guiding and contributing to it? That doesn't seem healthy.

So now, I offer a reinterpretation of my continued interest in a television show that never truly satisfies me. Since I long ago lost any faith in the show providing any sort of closure to my constant questions, I only continue watching the show because I want Claire to come back. She was my favorite. Straight up, if she ever got off that island (and I guess if she were in fact real) I would totally ask her out. She has to still be on the rebound after Charlie. Also, Charlie was nowhere near as cool as me.

So I have traversed from the ambiguity of the Geronimo Jackson/ The Donkeys situation to my adoration of the lost "Lost" character Claire (forgive me, it was too good to pass up). Claire, please come back so I can be free from the abusive and insensitive grip of this television show. Also, please do so before John Locke starts turning water into wine because I am not sure how much of that I can take.

Things You Didn't Know About Led Zeppelin

2009-03-25T17:00:00.000-05:00

The other day while perusing the stacks of my local used book store I came upon a dark an ominous looking book simply titled "Inscrutable Craftwork." Little did I know that later that day this same book would change my life fundamentally. You see, this book held the secret biography of Led Zeppelin. It was filled with facts and anecdotes that boggled my mind and that I am sure will boggle yours as well. Here are a few that were the most earthshaking:

1. While Robert Plant does cite as influences a number of elder blues singers, in the quietude of his own home he often admitted to his closest friends and family that his true inspiration came from the sound of a crow passing a stone outside his window from his childhood.

2. It is a well known fact that John Bonham played the drums with a great deal of force. However, until now no one really knew how he kept his drums in place while they underwent the maelstrom of blows they had to endure each night. It turns out that when they could find nothing that would work, they contacted a secret department of the United States government called ERS, short for Epoxy Research Services. Apparently they had been developing a super secret and super powerful glue that was meant to glue Communist tanks together making them useless. However, in the name of rock n' roll, they gave some of this glue to John Bonham to glue his drumset in place.

3. Sadly, none of the members of Led Zeppelin could read.

4. John Paul Jones was born with a forked tongue.

5. Once while in the US Jimmy Page ate 14 hamburgers in under 30 minutes.

6. John Bonham did not have three arms, he did however have three nipples.

7. While Led Zeppelin did enjoy parties from time to time, they were actually quite reserved young fellows and typically enjoyed board games and televisions. In fact Jimmy Page is the reigining Parchesi champion in London.

8. Apparently in the stories in past biographies where Led Zeppelin is said to have ordered numerous hookers to their rooms at once the word "hooker" was in fact switched out for the word "waffle."

A Short and Excessively Belated Poem for The Band That Largely Defined My Middle School Existence

2009-03-24T14:02:00.000-05:00

A belated ode
To my lips does come
For Five Iron Frenzy
And All they’ve done

They played ska punk
Of the Christian sort
And to my life
They held great import

During seventh grade
And part of eighth
No other band
To me seemed so great

With songs about Canada
And Different Strokes
Not even to mention
Their witty jokes

In every song
They used horn parts
Such sweet melodies
That stirred my heart

But one dark day
The news arrived
That FIF
As a band had died

But with no such drama
As Lynyrd Skynyrd
They said, “God has called us elsewhere”
It twisted my innards

How could a kind God
Be oh so cruel
and take this solace
from my daily gruel

I was aimless for days
Like a ship in a storm
But I soon realized that their last two albums were not very good anyway
And things returned to the norm

Still to this day
Their tunes light up my face
Check them out
Here is their myspace

Quiet Stirrings, Signs of Life

2009-03-24T12:40:00.000-05:00

As of late it has been far too nice outside for me to spend my time inside with the horrible little computer. The result of which has of course been a dearth of legitimate posts. For the time being I would like to leave you with a promise of more posts in the very near future and a link to the Myspace page for a group called Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. All you need to know is that there are 12 people in this band, they are not cloyingly twee, and they are positively marvelous.

Go forth and prosper.

BEST NEW MUSIC

2009-03-18T13:03:00.001-05:00

:-)

Down With the Giants

2009-03-02T15:09:00.000-06:00

I have the unique privilege of reviewing cds each week for my school's radio station. Usually however, this privilege is more of a burden than anything else as I am typically late to our meetings leaving only the worst of the worst for me to pick to review. However, once in a rare occasion, I come across something that is truly awesome. This week was one of those weeks.
To be honest, I went in to reviewing this album unsure of what to think- the band I reviewed was called Gay Witch Abortion after all. But, they turned out to be completely awesome. I am posting my review here since I am not sure how well received it will be at the station (our format doesn't typically favor metal that heavily) and I really love this band.

Gay Witch Abortion- “Maverick”
Alright, lets get this out of the way immediately, Gay Witch Abortion is a terrible name for a band. It conjures up all sorts of horrifying images and associations that no one wants to think about. However, I challenge you the listener, to move past this (admittedly significant) stopping block and immerse yourself in the awesomeness that is GWA (I will henceforth refer to them by this acronym for the sake of brevity and sanity). GWA is a two piece punk/metal band from Minneapolis that seem to have one goal in life- to rock. All but the last song (which is a ballad) achieve “total heaviosity”- a fact made endlessly more impressive by their relatively simple arrangements. Songs like “Church Buffet” and “Down With Giants” rise above the rest because of their unabashed repetition of unabashedly awesome riffs. Most of the songs on this album are instrumental seemingly because they were good enough to stand on their own- if you can lift three elephants on your own, why would you employ your girly neighbor for any help? (This is of course not to imply that the vocals are at all “girly” on this record, it is simply for the sake of comparison). Please allow me a convoluted set up that will culminate in the best description of this band that I can muster. Imagine for a moment that in order to make music, bands did not need instruments but rather some sort of a structure and something to throw at the ground. Music would spontaneously be created from the combining factors of their height and what they threw. Enya for instance would be throwing feathers off of a 2-foot platform and Nickleback would lob Nirvana records from a three-story building. On the other hand, GWA would hurl massive boulders off of the peak of Mount Everest. Boulders that are so tremendous that they completely obliterate everything below them upon impact (including of course Enya and Nickleback).
RIYL: Torche, Jucifer, Harvey Milk, Things that are heavy like boats and airplanes

Seriously, look them up. Myspace.

A Cookie Treatise

2009-02-26T17:38:00.000-06:00

To kick "Shoes are Optional" off with a bang here is my first full post.

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Outside of the things we are politely asked not to mention at the dinner table on of the most divisive issues I have come across lately deals with the relative quality of a certain store bought treat- the Chips Ahoy cookie. It seems that that there are nearly as many opinions on these cookies as there are ingredients in them (which, mind you, is a lot). However, two opinions tend to float above the rest- not unlike the chips and the dough over the artificial preservatives and colors . That is: people tend to love them or hate them. (Please forgive me, if I can help it, which indicates a degree of self-control that I am not sure that I possess, no metaphors like this will appear in the context again).

Naturally, being that I am a connoisseur of all things delicious and horrible for my immune system, I adore these cookies with one major qualification. This qualification is that I will always eat these cookies over any other form of store bought baked goods- unless of course their homemade equivalent is available. I wish to make it clear that I in no way am trying to argue that Chips Ahoy are superior, or for that matter even comparable, to the delicious morsels that are homemade chocolate chip cookies. Attempting to compare those two things is like apples and oranges, except in this case the apples are made by your mother with love and the oranges are made by a machine.

No, I only wish to argue the positive qualities of the Chips Ahoy cookies in comparison to the other store bought varieties. Namely of course, Oreos and so called “chewy” cookies. Naturally I am willing to concede that Oreos are in fact, “Milk’s favorite cookie” but this argument does not deal with the effects of outside materials on the cookie, I am here to consider the cookies on their own. Therefore, the benefit that Oreos garner from milk will be dismissed from consideration. Some may call this ridiculous, I call it good argumentative technique.

My defense of Chips Ahoy cookies rest on two central tenets- one that is highly subjective and one that is completely objective. Subjectively I would contend that these cookies are straight up delicious. Or, to put it a bit more clearly, they are straight up more delicious than their competitors. Like I mentioned before, I will readily concede is that Oreos taste wonderful with milk. However, on their own they are a dry trial of a cookie. The cookie portion is simply too dark of a chocolate flavor to be widely enjoyed and the cream is weird. Also, chewy cookies, are bad. So bad in fact that I will grant them no further discussion. On the other hand, Chips Ahoy are just crumbly enough, they are sweet, and they have none of the weirdness associated with a cream filling.

Objectively, and hopefully a great deal convincingly, is the inherent honesty in the Chips Ahoy cookies. Almost all other store bought cookies seem to be trying to be something they are not. Oreos are trying to be ice cream sandwiches for instance. Most egregious however, are the chewy cookies one finds in almost every grocery store. These cookies are artificially attempting to emulate the chewiness of homemade cookies. To me, this is quite unsettling. Conversely, Chips Ahoy are entirely up front about their origins. The fact that they are very crunchy is equivalent to them shouting from the rooftops, “I know I wasn’t made by your mom and I am not trying to pretend like I was. I am doing the best with what I have.” I find that endearing. Chips Ahoy are sort of like an alcoholic uncle who comes to family reunions dead drunk and does nothing to hide it. At the same time however, he brings you presents so you don’t complain. Obviously, if your clean cut uncle were to also give you presents you would hang out with him over your alcoholic uncle because he doesn't smell like whiskey but sometimes the clean cut uncle doesn’t bring you presents because he works for an investment firm and lost a lot of money in the economic downturn. And naturally, both of these are better than your bitter “uncle” who is actually your aunt who spits on you when you get too close.

Now, one may argue that all store bought cookies are pretending that they are something they are not as the pinnacle of cookie making is homemade; therefore every cookie that is made is ultimately aspiring towards the “cookieness” defined by that ideal. While this seems valid at first, a closer inspection will reveal the fallacy. You see, store bought cookies are never, and should never, in fact aspire towards standard “cookieness” but rather to the essence of store bought cookies. Therefore, Chips Ahoy excel as they fully accept their position where others fail horribly in their attempts to operate outside of their means. (E.g. Chewy cookies do in fact strive towards the standard established by the homemade cookie and thus fail because of their origin). Chips Ahoy are a humble cookie.

So, although Chips Ahoy cookies will always be inferior to homemade cookies, I firmly believe that they are better than a majority of the alternatives. This is because they are honest, humble, and delicious. Isn’t that what we all look for in friends? All I ask is that we use the same standards we use for our human interactions for our cookie interactions.

Post Number One or, Bandwagon Here I Come

2009-02-26T10:22:00.000-06:00

In the interest of partial disclosure (this is of course the internet and anyone who expects full disclosure is either a pedophile or the government) I would like to open this blog with the statement that I suffer from a crippling fear of being left out. While I employ a number of defense mechanisms in order to mediate this fear, I feel the most effective tact is blindly doing whatever the people around me are doing.
Thus, I have decided my best current course of action is to start a blog. You dear reader, have stumbled upon the fruits of my nearly unbearable neuroticism. Welcome, take off your shoes, make yourself at home.

This blog will play host to my various musings on items of varying degrees of cultural significance over the course of my young life until the day that either a) My life becomes too busy to allow me continue on this inane little enterprise or b) The Internet ceases to exist. So I assume that this blog will continue almost indefinitely as neither of those things seem terribly likely. I suppose another thing that could keep me from continuing my efforts would be my untimely death but I think planning contingencies for that sort of thing is simply too macabre.

Well, for the time being I have run out of things to say so I will leave you with these words of wisdom from the brilliant Dead Prez:

I don't eat no meat, no dairy, no sweets
only ripe vegetables, fresh fruit and whole wheat
I'm from the old school, my household smell like soul food, bro
curried falafel, barbecued tofu
no fish though, no candy bars, no cigarettes
only ganja and fresh-squeezed juice from oranges
exercising daily to stay healthy
and I rarely drink water out the tap, cause it's filthy

Lentil soup is mental fruit
and ginger root is good for the youth
Fresh veg-e-table with the ital stew
sweet yam fries with the green calalloo
careful how you season and prepare your foods
cause you don't wanna lose vitamins and miner-ules
and that's the jewel
life brings life, it's valuable, so I eat what comes
from the ground, it's natural
let your food be your medicine
no Excederin
strictly herb, generate in the sun, cause I got melanin
and drink water, eight glasses a day
cause that's what they say

They say you are what you eat, so I strive to be healthy
my goal in life is not to be rich or wealthy
cause true wealth comes from good health, and wise ways
we got to start taking better care of ourselves

They say you are what you eat, so I strive to be healthy
my goal in life is not to be rich or wealthy
cause true wealth comes from good health, and wise ways
we got to start taking better care of ourselves, be
healthy y'all . . .