Slayer of Goats

Right here right now I have decided that I will be starting a metal band in the very near future. I have not entirely decided on a number of important criterion for this band (the name, the instrumentation, the songs, etc.) but I feel that these things will fall into place when the time is right.

While I can't be certain, again I intend to allow things to simply fall into place, I feel particularly attracted to the genre of black metal and not only because I don't think I am good enough at guitar to handle the solos and such that are symptomatic of other genres. My band will be brutal, evil, and it will invariably involve corpse paint of some sort.

The first purpose of this post is that of a call out of sorts. Are you interested in playing guitar or drums or singing in a black metal band? Seriously email me.

This decision has grown out of my recent realization that black metal as a genre is vastly superior to all others, not only all other genres of metal but to all genres of music in general. I realize this is a grossly reductive statement, and one that will prove difficult to defend but I don't really care. Black metal is all that I want to hear.

I lieu of an explicitly cogent defense of my genre of choice, I will present a number of metaphors that I hope will clearly explicate my effusive love:

Black metal is the wood chipper through which all other forms of music must go.

Black metal is like a giant meat tenderizer that crushes anyone who tries to confront it and turns them into a pulpy mess of ineffectuality.

Black metal is a massive sword with poison on every edge.

Black metal is a flame thrower so big that it could consume your house in a single shot.

Black metal is the calm moment in the early afternoon when you see a mushroom cloud in the distance before you feel the shockwave.

Black metal is the dude that broke into the Huxtable's house in the Cosby show and screamed all of the evils of the world at them for 3 days straight.

Black metal is a black eagle that has the ability to shoot heat seeking missiles.

Black metal is a stealth bomber covered in corpse paint.

Black metal is your mother, if she were dead and still trying to ground you.

Black metal is your father, if he were on fire.

Black metal is your dog, assuming of course that your dog is giant, has three heads, and guards the entry way to hell.