A Cookie Treatise

To kick "Shoes are Optional" off with a bang here is my first full post.

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Outside of the things we are politely asked not to mention at the dinner table on of the most divisive issues I have come across lately deals with the relative quality of a certain store bought treat- the Chips Ahoy cookie. It seems that that there are nearly as many opinions on these cookies as there are ingredients in them (which, mind you, is a lot). However, two opinions tend to float above the rest- not unlike the chips and the dough over the artificial preservatives and colors . That is: people tend to love them or hate them. (Please forgive me, if I can help it, which indicates a degree of self-control that I am not sure that I possess, no metaphors like this will appear in the context again).

Naturally, being that I am a connoisseur of all things delicious and horrible for my immune system, I adore these cookies with one major qualification. This qualification is that I will always eat these cookies over any other form of store bought baked goods- unless of course their homemade equivalent is available. I wish to make it clear that I in no way am trying to argue that Chips Ahoy are superior, or for that matter even comparable, to the delicious morsels that are homemade chocolate chip cookies. Attempting to compare those two things is like apples and oranges, except in this case the apples are made by your mother with love and the oranges are made by a machine.

No, I only wish to argue the positive qualities of the Chips Ahoy cookies in comparison to the other store bought varieties. Namely of course, Oreos and so called “chewy” cookies. Naturally I am willing to concede that Oreos are in fact, “Milk’s favorite cookie” but this argument does not deal with the effects of outside materials on the cookie, I am here to consider the cookies on their own. Therefore, the benefit that Oreos garner from milk will be dismissed from consideration. Some may call this ridiculous, I call it good argumentative technique.

My defense of Chips Ahoy cookies rest on two central tenets- one that is highly subjective and one that is completely objective. Subjectively I would contend that these cookies are straight up delicious. Or, to put it a bit more clearly, they are straight up more delicious than their competitors. Like I mentioned before, I will readily concede is that Oreos taste wonderful with milk. However, on their own they are a dry trial of a cookie. The cookie portion is simply too dark of a chocolate flavor to be widely enjoyed and the cream is weird. Also, chewy cookies, are bad. So bad in fact that I will grant them no further discussion. On the other hand, Chips Ahoy are just crumbly enough, they are sweet, and they have none of the weirdness associated with a cream filling.

Objectively, and hopefully a great deal convincingly, is the inherent honesty in the Chips Ahoy cookies. Almost all other store bought cookies seem to be trying to be something they are not. Oreos are trying to be ice cream sandwiches for instance. Most egregious however, are the chewy cookies one finds in almost every grocery store. These cookies are artificially attempting to emulate the chewiness of homemade cookies. To me, this is quite unsettling. Conversely, Chips Ahoy are entirely up front about their origins. The fact that they are very crunchy is equivalent to them shouting from the rooftops, “I know I wasn’t made by your mom and I am not trying to pretend like I was. I am doing the best with what I have.” I find that endearing. Chips Ahoy are sort of like an alcoholic uncle who comes to family reunions dead drunk and does nothing to hide it. At the same time however, he brings you presents so you don’t complain. Obviously, if your clean cut uncle were to also give you presents you would hang out with him over your alcoholic uncle because he doesn't smell like whiskey but sometimes the clean cut uncle doesn’t bring you presents because he works for an investment firm and lost a lot of money in the economic downturn. And naturally, both of these are better than your bitter “uncle” who is actually your aunt who spits on you when you get too close.

Now, one may argue that all store bought cookies are pretending that they are something they are not as the pinnacle of cookie making is homemade; therefore every cookie that is made is ultimately aspiring towards the “cookieness” defined by that ideal. While this seems valid at first, a closer inspection will reveal the fallacy. You see, store bought cookies are never, and should never, in fact aspire towards standard “cookieness” but rather to the essence of store bought cookies. Therefore, Chips Ahoy excel as they fully accept their position where others fail horribly in their attempts to operate outside of their means. (E.g. Chewy cookies do in fact strive towards the standard established by the homemade cookie and thus fail because of their origin). Chips Ahoy are a humble cookie.

So, although Chips Ahoy cookies will always be inferior to homemade cookies, I firmly believe that they are better than a majority of the alternatives. This is because they are honest, humble, and delicious. Isn’t that what we all look for in friends? All I ask is that we use the same standards we use for our human interactions for our cookie interactions.